Be more than the job

Apr 7

BE more than the job because you ARE more than the job.

I posted that on social media on Wednesday, and then proceeded to work late every night. On Friday, I didn’t shut down my computer until 9pm. The truth is, it’s far easier to write some words than it is to follow through on the actions that make them true.

In that same post, a lot of people commented some pretty wonderful things about me. I honestly just wanted to celebrate a big achievement, I wasn’t expecting the comments but when I read them, I felt guilty. I felt guilty because they made it seem like I’m some amazing person but really I’m a hypocrite.

Yeah I’m a runner, but I haven’t run since last year.
Yeah I’m a writer, but this simple Sunday Starter is the only thing I’ve been able to manage to write in months.
Yeah I’m an EMT one night a week, but when I’m not on calls I spend my shift ignoring my crew and trying to fit in a few extra hours of work in hopes of hitting some deadline.
Yeah I have friends and family I’d do anything for, except I’ve been so overworked and tired that I’ve barely had the energy to see them.

I think I wrote about being more because it was my desperate attempt to remind myself that I should be more than the job. I used to be, but lately it’s a lie.

A year ago, I had just gotten back from Costa Rica and was getting ready for an epic trip to Ireland. I was running every day and posting a professional development article every month. I was doing all that, and I miss it desperately. I miss running. I miss writing more. I miss standing on top of a mountain and being the only soul for miles.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this, because I’m not sure if I have the answer. For weeks I’ve been telling myself that I will work less and for weeks I keep working too much. Here I am, an expert on managing change and yet I can’t seem to change myself.

I always assumed once EMT class was over I’d get back my life but when we get out of good habits for long enough, it can be really hard to reset. Something that was once a regular and easy part of my life, has now fallen into my impossible box.

When I wrote that book, I was coming from the assumption that anything in our impossible box was some new challenge. I never thought about how things once possible can become impossible but now it seems obvious.

Life changes. Things get harder. I need to stop thinking it will be easy just because I’ve done it before; I need to treat it like the real challenge that it is. I should also probably stop trying to get back to who I was and start trying to figure out what work/life balance looks like in this new work/life that I’m in right now.