Do you need to be helped, heard, or hugged?
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I firmly believe that communication is the foundation of anything profoundly good or bad. Are you feeling wonderful and heard? Good communication has occurred. Are you feeling terrible and ignored? It's likely because you are left with too many questions and only your own anxiety-filled-imagined-answers. Communication is at the core of every relationship we have and yet the typical person has very little understanding of what makes good communication good.
I've been told by people that I've worked with in the past that I am a strong communicator. I know this is true for the times when I am trying to communicate well. It's a skill I have been honing in over 20 years of leading group conversations, teaching in front of the classroom, and leading from centerstage. When I intentionally go into a conversation or speaking engagement, I am a very strong facilitator capable of extreme patience, kindness, and empathy. I admit though, in everyday life I am not always trying. I do not prepare for every conversation I have. Sometimes, more often than I would probably like, my communication skills are tossed aside and a less-than-ideal version of myself remains. With that understanding - that I'm not perfect and never will be, but that I'm capable of excellent communication - I wanted to understand better what I was doing in those good moments so I could repeat it in the future.
When we perfect a skill before we need it, we are more likely to have it ready for the unplanned moments.
In Charles Duhigg's Supercommunicators, he emphasizes the need to understand the type of conversation that you are having. While the specific types of conversation are certainly interesting and worth learning more about, I think just the knowledge that there are different types is a worthy first step for anyone in their effort to improve communication. We need to understand that every conversation is not the same. As I was running through the Adirondacks listening to the audio book, I realized that this was something I already practiced but I hadn't been aware; I had used it for years when I was a Children's Director overseeing hundreds of little ones.
A child would be running with pure joy on their face when all of a sudden they trip and fall. I can see from across the room their little face immediately scrunch up in panic. The tears begin to fall as I make my way over to where they lay. I lower myself down until I am at eye level and I ask the question - Did it hurt? Or was it scary? This is a tactic I had read once, tried once, and learned that it worked! It was amazing. I started saying it every time a child was "injured" because it was like a magic spell that immediately made the tears go away. Can you guess why?
Did it hurt or was it scary?
When most kids “hurt” themselves their tears are not actually from pain but rather from something new and scary happening. Their tears are a form of processing. By asking “did it hurt or was it scary” we are establishing the type of conversation - at a very basic level - that we’re about to have: Does it need fixing? Or do you just need support? For most little kids that fall… it didn't hurt. It didn't hurt at all but it was scary as hell. They experienced something for the first time, something unexpected, and so they start to cry. We, as the adult, immediately try to fix it and go straight for the injury. When this happens the tears last much longer because truly there is nothing to fix and so we are searching for a resolution that is not there; they don't need fixing they just need support. But the moment you acknowledge their feelings, they get up and continue to play. Just like that, they are fine because they weren't actually hurt, they just needed some support.
Duhigg brings up a similar method that adds another layer: Do you need to be Helped, Heard, or Hugged? While I doubt any toddler would understand those words - so I don't recommend using them for very young kids - the concepts are solid. For older children, or adults you interact with often, setting a baseline for what these mean can be a shortcut to establishing the type of conversation that someone is seeking.
Do you need to be helped, heard, or hugged?
"Different needs require different types of communication and those different kinds of interactions - helping, hugging, hearing - each correspond to a different type of conversation"
-Charles Duhigg
Do you need to be helped?
A person that wants to be helped is looking for practical advice. This is the person that needs help fixing. When you ask a child Did it hurt? You are asking if there is an injury that needs fixing. Do they need help?
Do you need to be heard?
A person that wants to be heard is looking for someone to just listen. When you ask a child was it scary? You are giving them a pathway to talk about their emotions. For adults, this may more often come out as Do you want advice or do you need to vent? Most of the time, we just need someone to listen and validate our experience so keep your advice to yourself.
Do you need to be hugged?
Hugging can sometimes be a literal physical hug, or it can also be a conversation centered around someone's identity. They don't want you to fix it but they also don't need you to just listen, they are looking for someone to help them unpack how they are feeling about themselves. In this situation someone is more likely benefited from questions and conversation around their problem, as opposed to just silent listening or an earful of advice. The hug is the in-between that requires a little more effort.
A few years ago I slipped and fell down a flights of stairs. When I reached the bottom my body reacted and I immediately started to cry. For about 5 seconds I genuinely think there was a part of me that thought I was really hurt. My husband ran over to see if I was okay. Being an adult, I was able to look around and realize that the tears that fell were an instinctual reaction; I amazingly wasn't hurt at all, I was fine. As he rushed to my side I gathered myself and told him I wasn't hurt, it was just scary. Of course I’m no toddler which means I did throw my back out two days later, likely related to the fall, but you get my point.
Our bodies react to things in strong ways. If you see a kid cry and then stop a few seconds later, don't assume they were faking it. They may just have felt a strong emotion that went away as quickly as it came. When we are communicating, these same strong emotions will often dominate the conversation and so if we go in trying to fix it when someone is just looking for a hug we are doomed to fail. It doesn’t matter how good the advice is because its all about the type of conversation that the person needs to have. If you aren't using one of these tactics already with the people closest to you, I highly recommend discussing this topic with them. The source of many failed communication attempts is a mismatch in the type of conversation you are having; one person is trying to help while the other just wants to be heard.
