Feedback or Friend - which do you need?
https://unsplash.com/@nate_dumlao
With a big smile on my face, I waited impatiently for him to look. The past hour I had spent researching and designing some table displays for upcoming book fairs and events (if you’re in NJ mark your calendar for October 22 - more details in the book updates below!). I was really excited and wanted the closest person to me to share in that excitement so I made the mistake many people make - instead of asking for encouragement, I asked for feedback.
What do you think? I said, waiting for the response of wow! Cool! or some other version of looks great! Instead I received a solid 15 seconds of silence while he stared and assessed. Finally, he commented on one of the colors and said the blue looked out of place.
My heart sank.
Have you ever had that feeling? Like someone just burst your bubble and now all the excitement and passion you just held is deflated on the floor?
If I hadn't just spent the week researching and writing about emotional intelligence, I probably would have gotten upset and picked a fight. Instead, I thought about my reaction. Why did that impact me so much? His feedback was valid. He was right - the blue did look out of place. In fact, I had questioned it myself when I was customizing the design. I didn't even know if I fully liked the design, which is why I was asking for input. The problem, I didn't realize until later, was that in that moment I wasn't ready for input, I just wanted him to be a part of it. I wanted someone to share in my excitement but instead of asking for that I asked for an opinion I didn't want or need in the moment.
Often when we encounter that deflated-heart feeling it is because someone failed to deliver on our expectations; we had a certain reaction pictured in our heads and they didn't reach the bar. Some people in our lives may never give us the reaction we hope for, while others just need us to set the stage for them to do so. Part of that is not asking for feedback until we are ready to receive it.
There are a lot of studies out there that show the importance of giving and receiving feedback; it's crucial in any area of our lives where we want to improve. It's also crucial, however, that we are ready to receive it. In the Forbes article, Why Asking For Feedback Can Be a Key to Success, Holly Corbett comments that "there is a lot of emphasis on giving feedback in the workplace, but the most underrated skill may be actually receiving it." She lays out solid steps for asking for feedback which includes making it specific. This is the simplest yet most effective habit we can start forming around feedback because it forces you to pause and be more intentional. By stopping and formulating a specific question around the feedback you want to receive, it gives you the time to emotionally prepare to receive it. If you are asking a generic What do you think? then that is a clear sign you won't be ready to receive someone else's judgement.
The next time you ask for feedback with a catch-all question like How am I doing?, stop and first ask yourself - am I ready for this? Do I want their judgement? If you don't maybe switch your what do you think? to something like can I show you something? I'm really excited about it and just want to share it with you. Then maybe later when you're ready, follow with I wasn't sure about the color, do you think it looks out of place?
You all know that I am all about growth and improvement, but I also know the human heart can only take so much so be kind to yourself. Sometimes we're not ready to grow, we just want someone to metaphorically hold our hands and jump up and down with us. Sometimes we don't need feedback, we just need a friend and that's perfectly fine.
