Inconclusive

I wasn’t sure if I’d post this or not, because it’s personal. But the reason I write is so that other people won’t feel alone. I write for the person that reads my stuff and thinks yes, me too. I write so that I might give someone else the feeling that someone else gets it. So, for all those reasons, here is my story.

In February, March and April of this year, I felt like I was constantly on the verge of a panic attack. I had some tests back in the Fall, which thankfully ended up being benign, only to be back in the doctor’s office 6 months later with more atypical results. So, for another 3 months, I waited for test results.

And more test results.

And more test results.

Each time it was inconclusive, bad but not terrible, might be okay, but still not sure. I had painful procedures and biopsies tearing out pieces of me only to come back with more questions. I wrote down some of how I felt during that time, mostly just to work through the emotions myself, and when I read back through it, I noticed there was a phrase I wrote consistently.

 I’m just tired. So tired.

I wanted to know what was coming next. It was frustrating to be in this inconclusive stage just waiting. After three months, I finally got a benign result. I was in the clear… until December when I would need another follow up. Sitting in the doctor’s office, so tired and knowing I’d be right back there 6 months later, I realized that we rarely get a definitive diagnosis. Most of life, we’re stuck with inconclusive.

As I search for another job right now, I am once again stuck in this waiting place. I have several conversations going with different companies, and I am at different stages of the interview process. They all could pan out, or none of them could pan out. While it's frustrating, my experience earlier this year has certainly put it into perspective. Right now, I am alive, I am healthy, and I have many things to be grateful for.

It's all too easy in life to want to wait for certainty. We think if we just had this knowledge, if we knew the diagnosis or could know that we'd definitely get a job, then we'd be able to enjoy the freedom we have now a little more easily. Unfortunately, more often than not, a turn around the corner just reveals another curvy road with more questions than answers. So, the best advice I can give to anyone waiting for news about something is to just take care of yourself. Take a day off if you need it. Or two. Or three. Talk to someone. Do something fun. Do what you need to do to find relief and enjoy life right now, because you might never get a solid answer.

Life is inconclusive. If you wait for certainty of tomorrow, you'll miss out on so much of what life has to offer today.