Not My Type

Last month I took this picture while at my favorite Jersey coffee shop, Halo Roasters. I chuckled when I took it because I have been coming to this spot several times a week for years and that was the first time I noticed the door under the counter. I have sat in this same seat countless times looking in that direction; I’ve stood at that counter on many occasions waiting for my coffee or an extra side of hot sauce from the back; I’ve been inches from it, across the room, and everything in between and yet it took me until now for it to catch my attention. I even asked someone if it was new and they confirmed it had been there since the day they opened in July 2020. 

Stuff like that happens to me all the time and I’ve always just laughed it off saying I’m just not observant and joking you could paint this room a different color and I’d probably not notice. I always assumed that this was a purely negative thing about me: other people have the positive trait of being aware of what’s around them and I’m just missing that gene. Then last week, related to something I was doing for work, I read three books about personality types. What I discovered gave me a new positive outlook on all of it. 

For many people like me, we are not observant. We leave kitchen cabinets open and sock drawers a-gap. We bump into the edge of the bed or might miss a step more often then others. We don’t see the fox on the side of the road and please oh please don’t expect us to notice a new haircut. It’s nothing against you, it’s us. We are not good at observing these things because we are really good at something else: seeing the big picture. Those that lack an awareness of their surroundings do so because they are constantly in their head, thinking and imagining how everything is connected and what’s coming next, a trait that allows us to look to the future and be goal oriented. 

There is a reason I’m really good at goal-setting, but it comes at a price. All personalities are like this: for every weakness there is a strength to go with it. While the history of personality types goes back centuries, the more commonly known Myers Briggs divides the world into 4 spectrums: 

Introverted (I) or Extroverted (E )

Intuitive (N) or Sensing (S)

Thinking (T) or Feeling (F) 

Judging (J) or Perceiving (P)

While this post is too short to cover each spectrum, I'll at least give you a taste of the observant / big picture scale that I've been referencing (N vs S). The following example Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger give in their book, The Art of Speed Reading People: How to Size People Up and Speak Their Language, might help you discover if you are more intuitive or sensing. 

"Sensors see the trees, while Intuitives see the forest. By this we mean that Sensors naturally pay attention to what they are experiencing at the moment. Handed a flower and asked to tell you about it, the Sensor will note how vivid the colors are, the smooth texture of the leaves, the delicate fragrance, and how light and fragile it is - in other words, what their three senses tell them about the flower. Hand the same flower to an Intuitive and ask them to tell you about it, and you are likely to hear something more like: "This reminds me of my grandmother. She used to have these growing in her yard, and when we'd visit each summer, we'd pick them to put on the table for family meals." You'll notice that the Intuitive perceived the flower in a very different way than the Sensor. Instead of focusing on what is, they immediately focused on their connection to the flower, and their associations with it." 

I found this description fascinating because I never realized that others didn’t make connections like that. What seems obvious to me may be not-so-obvious to someone else, and Vice Versa. 

Now I’m not saying this is an excuse to never try to improve: well, I guess I’m introverted and will never try to be social again. That’s the opposite reaction we should have. This week, I didn’t put my book down and march into my husband's office declaring I’m never closing another cabinet again because that’s just how I am! Of course not. But what I did do was talk about how his ability to observe is a skill that comes naturally to him, and not easily to me.

I enjoyed reading about all the different types not because I think everyone fits exactly into one of those categories, but rather because it’s a healthy reminder that everyone does not think like us. The next time you encounter someone else that shares a trait you don’t understand, maybe don’t be so quick to judge. Let’s try to look for the strength that parallels the weakness. Let’s celebrate the positive and give a little grace for the negative; what is a cake walk for us likely takes someone else more effort and energy than we may ever understand.