Build Your Snowman
Monday, I start a new job. Currently I am up at my family's house in Hannawa Falls, staring at the smooth cold waters of Raquette River. The fire is blazing and there is still a little snow on the ground from Saturday night's dusting. It has been a weird week being here before I start; this is the same house I was in back in June, the week after the company where I worked downsized and I lost my job.
We were scheduled to drive up here that Saturday morning and Friday is when I found out - from a video recording - that I was laid off. It's interesting that this week was also previously planned, before I had any idea I'd even be starting a new job. Call it fate or a cosmic coincidence, but I feel like I was meant to be here staring at these same waters. I can remember the feeling from June like it was yesterday.
I looked out through the big windows and tried not to cry. I felt lost. Confused. Angry. I had pulled a table right up to the window so I could set up my computer there; instead of getting the relaxing and carefree vacation I had planned, I took calls all week with people that were interested in working with me. I texted and messaged the other colleagues that had been laid off, commiserating and making sure they were okay. I emailed and spoke with lawyers trying to negotiate the atrocious separation agreement I ended up not signing. I worked frantically to update my resume so I didn't miss out on any new opportunities. Everything about how I was feeling was unstable and stressful. My emotional state strongly conflicted with the warm air and bright sun that reflected off the moving water.
That week I was feeling insecure and questioning my place in this world. Aside from losing my brother, it was one of the darkest experiences of my life. Looking back on it now it feels silly, trivial even. But when I was in it? It hurt. It hurt bad. It felt very similar to a breakup. I was happy and in love and then in an instant my heart was broken. I started questioning everything - why did I ever work there? What was the point? I suddenly entered this metaphorically dark and cold season and immediately forgot there was ever a Summer. Any mention of them would just make me sad and angry and I wanted to forget they ever existed (I've never related to Taylor Swift so much in my life).
5 months later, I would be lying if I said there wasn't still some pain, but there's also peace knowing that it was worth it. The lessons I learned while I was there, the people I met, those will never be forgotten. I was reminded of this last week when I found a book I had been reading the month I was let go. As I went to put it away, a picture that I had been using as a bookmark fell out; it was my old team, the one I was managing when I lost my job. The picture was from an Escape room we did together just a few weeks prior. Hearing that you might assume it was some forced corporate bonding, but it wasn’t. It was an award that the team had chosen together - something we got to do because we completed our goals and hit all our metrics.
Looking at the picture immediately brought me joy. This team, these people, is how I got through such a tough season of my life. Not because they were exceptional friends who immediately wrote me recommendations on LinkedIn and offered support in any way (which all of them did), but along with so many other former colleagues that I have remained friends with, they all made me grateful for my former job. They are the reason it was worth it to work there. They are the point.
So much has changed since that day. The weather has done a 180, and so have I. From this spot I have watched the trees turn from green, to gold, to white from the snow. I have felt every emotion you could feel. Standing here, with this same view, is a reminder that so much in life changes around us while so many core things remain the same. I still have a roof over my head. I have people that love me. I have purpose far beyond the company that employs me.
In the last 5 months, I haven't just worked hard to find a new job but I've lived my absolute best life. I have been to museums and seen friends that I haven't seen in ages. I've gone camping, taken cooking classes, and seen a Broadway show. I've trained for and crossed the finish line of my third marathon and then celebrated on the beaches of Punta Cana. And after four years of writing, I have finally finished the core editing of my book (book release hopefully coming after the New Year!). I can't even proofread this paragraph without smiling because life is good!
Someone recently told me they would be interested in reading a post about what I've learned through this journey. Well, here it is… There are so many things in life that will have violent ends, so many seasons that will be dark and unpredictable, but that doesn't mean the journey isn't worth it; there is joy in every season, we just need to find it. This is a lesson I have learned before but it is one I need to relearn over and over again because every time that Winter comes it's a new pain, a fresh coat of snow, and snowmen don’t just happen, you have to build them.
If you are in a dark time right now, I will simply say I am so sorry. Healing will happen at your own pace and even then sometimes the best you can do is survive and hope for a time when you might be able to see something positive come from the situation. It won’t replace the heartache, but it will at least walk beside it. Whether it’s today or sometime in the far future, I hope you can build your snowman.
