How To Be Humble
This week I started working on a professional development article about soft skills. While we're on the subject I have to say, I detest that term; by calling these skills soft we are implying that they are less important, but I believe the opposite to be true. Soft skills and key characteristic traits - empathy, humility, problem solving, collaboration, etc. - are not soft but rather essential skills needed for living and working with other humans. It is these that we should be looking for in the people we hire and which we should be trying to develop throughout our personal and professional lives.
After searching and skimming 15+ blog posts written on the subject, I was disappointed to discover that many people listed out the skills they deemed necessary to be good at, but they did not offer practical tips on how to actually get better at them.
In The Ideal Team Player, Patrick Lenncioni talks about three key traits you should look for when hiring someone for your team: humble, hungry and smart. The book is written as a parable, following the interview process of one man. On paper he appears to be an impressive person, but throughout the day you start to spot the red flags that show he does not possess these three traits and therefore would be a disappointing hire in the long run.
For years after reading that book I remembered those three traits: humble, hungry, and smart. I wanted to look for those traits in the people I hired and I wanted to make sure I always possessed these traits as well. I wanted to be hungry for more work, not just being satisfied with the bare minimum but going above and beyond (of course not to the detriment of my mental well-being). I wanted to be people-smart, thinking about what I said before I said it and trying to treat others with the kindness and compassion I would hope they would treat me with. I wanted to be humble, not losing my confidence in my skills but simply always remembering the people around me, recognizing others' contributions and lifting them up more than I lift myself up.
When I type it out like that, I'm sure you want to be all those things too. But how? How do we foster a trait like humility? How to we get to the point where we're okay with acknowledging that maybe we don't have all the answers? That maybe someone else in the room deserves the credit? Over the years I have realized that the way to foster these types of skills is not to look for big opportunities to practice them, but rather small everyday moments that push that button just a little bit. Today I discovered the perfect thing to push the humility button…
A Nintendo Switch.
While we were away for the week, my husband and friend decided to purchase a Switch and so we began playing all the old games I used to love. Suddenly, I remembered why I stopped playing video games: I hate to lose. The first Mario Cart Grand Prix we attempted I didn't even make it to the fourth race because I quit in frustration at number 3.
While I was mostly kidding, there was a part of me that was genuinely frustrated. I flashed back to 7 years ago, the first year Andrew and I were married, and we played the game Ticket to Ride. It was my first time playing and I didn't understand the rules, so just when I thought I was going to put down a point-heavy train for the win, Andrew ran out of cars and the game ended. I was so mad I literally pushed the game board and went into the kitchen to angrily unload the dishwasher. I came back 5 minutes later and apologized for being ridiculous.
That is how I used to be, and sometimes still trend toward, when it comes to losing. For years I have tried very hard to not be so competitive and to just enjoy the game. Unfortunately, the only way to get better at something like that is to just keep doing it over and over again. To put yourself in that situation, in one when hopefully it doesn't matter and the stakes are low, where you can self-talk your way out of being the worst version of yourself.
This sounds kind of ridiculous, and you may think I'm kidding but I'm not. Learning to lose a boardgame without getting mad is your first step to gaining control over your emotions during a heated meeting. With every race after that first one, I reminded myself to practice humility. I actively celebrated someone else when they won, gave high fives even when I felt the game was unfair, laughed at my mistakes and tried to remember that it was all just for fun.
If we choose to put ourselves in situations like these, where we can practice these skills, then we will find ourselves more prepared for the moments that we do not choose: the times when jealously starts to rear its ugly head because a colleague got a promotion and we didn't, or a friend is finding success in life when we are struggling.
So you want to learn how to be more humble? Play Mariocart.
You want to be better at communicating? Skip the self-checkout and start up a conversation with the sales clerk.
Have a desire to be more fearless? Volunteer to order the takeout.
Practice when it matters less, so you’re prepared for the moments that matter more.
