Learn Their Story
The Day the World Came to Town is about September 11, 2001 - more commonly known as 9/11. It tells the story not of what happened in NYC that day, but of all the planes that were headed to New York but couldn’t make it. They were rerouted to the tiny island of Gander, New Foundland. The book jumps around telling different stories from all the passengers on board the many planes. It is interesting to read about a day where we all had a shared experience, and yet we all experienced it very differently.
On September 11, 2001, I think back to Scotch Plains Fanwood High School. I remember sitting in Ms. Gower's Chemistry class, hearing someone mention a plane hitting the towers. I thought they were talking about a movie. I remember trying to get a hold of family that may have been in the towers that day. I remember hearing about that teacher who was on the phone with her brother while the plane hit the second tower. I remember going home and standing in my living room with the green carpet, watching the towers fall.
My side of the story will always be most prevalent in my mind, but it’s not the only story worth knowing. Reading through all the different perspectives on that day was a healthy reminder of all the stories being written around us. The people we meet and interact with will always be viewed through our eyes which complicates things when conflict arises. In moments in work and life when we feel under-appreciated, disrespected, or left out of it all together, it’s easy to forget about someone else's story.
In Adam Grant's Give and Take, he writes about the impact our stories have on how we view ourselves and others. When we are narrating we hold responsibility bias, which means we think we have done more, committed more, and contributed more. This isn't because we're trying to downplay our colleagues, but it's because we lived the hours of hard work. We know what we gave and so it's easy to assume that only we gave. Now when we think about two people coming together, each with their version of what happened, it is easy for conflict to arise. We are armed with all the details of our side of the story and when it comes to who is right, we think we have all the answers. A difficult conversation ensues and we try to resolve it by getting the facts straight, but according to Stone, Patton, and Heen in their book Difficult Conversations, conflict resolution should never be about trying to agree on what happened: "Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values… They are not about what is true, they are about what is important."
The next time you find yourself in conflict, take a few minutes to learn more. Abe Lincoln once said “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” He knew that most dislike probably comes from misunderstanding someone’s view of the world. Don’t assume you know the whole of it, no matter how many details you have. Be curious. Ask questions before you form your opinion. Learn someone else’s story. It won’t make yours any less important or valid, but it may shed just enough light to give you empathy to heal some wounds.
