Perspective
With my Pinot Noir in hand and a fire under the mantle, I sat contemplating the roller coaster that had been my last few weeks. My favorite chair faces the big front window of my living room, giving me a view of a few trees but mostly open sky. With not much else to distract me, I was tempted to sit and dwell on the difficult moments of my month. As my mind started to trend in that direction, a tiny plane interrupted my train of thought. It started behind the trees to the left of my window and slowly crept across the open space.
At this distance it was hardly more than a speck. I stared at the little toy of a thing and thought about the people sitting in it. From their viewpoint, this speck is everything. It's all they see. Frustrating moments in our day tend to share the same perspective. When we are in something, it feels so big. It feels like everything but the reality is that 95% of the time it’s nothing. It is no more than a dot in our lives but we give it free range to dominate our day and steal our identity. I'm sure I’ve written about this before but it’s a lesson I am still learning over and over again.
In her HBR article, What to Do When Your Mind (always) Dwells On The Worst Case Scenario, Meg Jay compares it to our brains being like a smoke detector: "In your day-to-day life, uncertainties are like smoke. Your job is to figure out whether the problem is burnt toast, a house fire, or just a false alarm, and respond accordingly." One of the suggestions she gives to de-catastrophize our thinking is to get more data points. In other words, if you think the negative feedback you got from one client means you're terrible at your job, get more data points. What have other clients thought? What are all the other things you are good at? You are more than that one bad moment.
To help myself with this, I started a new mantra. When I have a difficult interaction with someone that leaves me feeling less-than-worthy, I repeat to myself:
This does not define my day. This does not define me.
If you struggle with "catastrophizing" the little planes in your life, take some time to affirm your identity by reflecting on your values. What really matters to you? Whatever it is, get a few statements in your mind so the next time something small starts to grow bigger than it deserves to be, you'll be able to take a step back and get some perspective. Reflect on all the other good things that happened that day/week/month and remind yourself that you are more than this moment. Is it really a fire? Or is it just burnt toast?
