Using Affirmation When Giving Feedback
How to Make Difficult Conversations a Little Less Difficult | Part 1
When most people think about affirmation or self-affirmation, they might imagine someone looking into the mirror telling themselves they are strong and brave. I personally flashback to a Friend's episode where Chandler was trying to quit smoking and fell asleep to tapes reciting you are a strong, confident woman, and you don't need cigarettes. Which of course led him to wrapping a towel around his head and being more sensitive and prone to tears. Gender stereotypes aside, this is not what I'm talking about when I speak of affirmation.
The type of affirmation I am referring to reinforces your personal values. You are welcome to use a mirror if it helps, as long as the statements target what you care about. It is not falsely trying to puff up ourselves or someone else. We are not combatting negative thoughts by forcing positive thoughts. Instead, we are accepting the negative while reminding ourselves who we are and what really matters. Here's an example: Do you ever do something, and then afterwards you replay the conversation in your head over and over wishing you had done it differently? Honestly, there are times when something I said ten years ago pops in my head to torment me. That type of stress-inducing-anxiety takes over so easily because we start to question our identity.
The common response to this is to fight the bad: it wasn't that bad, you're being ridiculous, just stop thinking about it. However, according to many studies done on the power of self-affirmation, stemming from self-affirmation theory*, this is not the method we should be using. Furthermore, if we try what I am about to suggest before an anxiety-inducing situation, we can proactively alter the biological response our body has and significantly lower our stress.
In her book, Presence, Amy Cudy addresses the power of self-affirmation and how it actually changes the chemistry of our bodies in stressful situations. She looked at one study* where students who wrote about personal values that mattered to them had lower levels of cortisol (known as the stress hormone) when faced with a stressful situation. Students who were able to remember what was important and confirm their identity before the situation, didn't have any rise in their stress. None. Other studies she references show the same results with adrenaline.
So how does this apply to difficult conversations?
If you need to share hard news with someone, or enter a conversation where there might be some resistance to what you have to say, you can set yourself and the other person up for success by starting with an affirmation question or statement. In his book The Science of Organizational Change, Paul Gibson references a study by Brendan Nyhan where he tested the probability of belief change between people who received a self-affirmation question prior to receiving new information and those that didn't: “He found that this strategy had a measurable effect on people’s revising of their views on emotive and ideological issues.”*
In other words, when we suggest a new piece of information to someone (or go to offer feedback, or an opinion that differs from the one they hold), their instinct will be to protect their identity. When we are confronted, a sort of internal alarm* goes off telling us to defend ourselves, making it very difficult to be open to growth. New information means what we already know is wrong and so our gut will be to resist. To avoid that reaction, this suggests asking a question that will reinforce that we are not attacking their character or the work/thinking they’ve done thus far. As Amy Cudy says, self-affirmation is about “reminding ourselves what matters most to us, and by extension, who we are… it makes us feel less dependable on the approval of others and even comfortable with their disapproval, if that’s what we get.”*
In addition to preparing the other person, I personally have felt the value of this exercise on how I view the other person. By affirming their identity, it reminds me who I'm talking to and why I'm doing it. They will be prepared to receive the information, and I will be prepared to give it.
What this looks like in practice:
Before you have the conversation:
Think about who you are talking to and why you are doing it. Are you about to have a 1:1 with someone and let them know that their last presentation didn't go so well? Think about what did go well. Think about who that person is. They are a hard worker. They are passionate about what they do. They are always learning and trying to improve, which is why you want to give them this advice because you think it will help them do that. Remember, it only works if it's genuine so really think about it. We may be more inclined to see the bad or see the differences, but there is good in everyone.
When you start the conversation:
Ask a question that will allow them to affirm that part of their identity. In the case of the 1:1, maybe you ask something like, "I love how much you try to improve yourself. Have you learned anything new lately that's interesting?" Or maybe you are about to have a personal conversation with someone in your family about a hot topic like politics or vaccinations: "I've seen a lot of what you've posted on social media lately, you seem very passionate when you post. You must care a lot about people."
During the Conversation:
Remember who they are, and remember who you are. This shouldn't be about approval. It shouldn't be about winning someone over to your side. Rather it should be about learning and growing. If you're having that hard conversation about politics, what's the point? Do you just need someone to agree with you? If you do, then don't have that conversation. If it's because you are genuinely worried because their mindset may be hurting themselves or others - then remember that. Your goal should be to help that person grow. It's not to win.
Whether you are about to enter a stressful situation, you just had one, or you are about to put someone else in one, affirmation is a powerful tool. Please use it wisely. It is not for manipulation. If you just try to say a bunch of insincere positive stuff before you unleash your criticism, someone will be able to sniff that out very quickly. On the other hand, if you really want to engage with someone and do it in such a way that they are prepared to receive it, then this is a way to remove those barriers.
*Sources and Further Reading:
Self-Affirmation Theory: Self-affirmation | Psynso
Study - Affirmation of Personal Values Buffers Neuroendocrine and Psychological Stress Responses: Research Report (ucsb.edu)
The Science of Organizational Change, How Leaders Set Strategy, Change Behavior and Create an Agile Culture, by Paul Gibbons
Internal Alarm: The Psychology of Change: Self-Affirmation and Social Psychological Intervention (stanford.edu)
Presence, by Amy Cudy
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