Stop Saying “so what I hear you’re saying is…”
How to Make Difficult Conversations a Little Less Difficult | Part 2
I have heard from many different people some version of the phrase So what I hear you're saying is…. It is a sentence that, when used in the right conversation, can be a good tool. On the other hand, when used in a difficult conversation, can destroy your chance of a positive outcome.
The right conversation will be one that is calm. I personally use it when facilitating a meeting and someone has just rambled a bit. I can tell that the other people on the call have stopped listening and so I do my best to actively listen by summarizing what that person has said so others can continue to contribute to the conversation. In those moments, I am not trying to sum up someone's feeling but rather make their statement accessible to others. I am showing them that I have been listening and want to make sure I have heard correctly.
The wrong conversation will be one that is emotionally charged. Someone is getting upset which makes us uncomfortable and so we feel the need to do something. If you're like me, you probably have heard this phrase used or were even taught to use it, and so you pull out your tool with good intentions. Unfortunately, when we use that phrase in these moments we are wrongly inserting ourselves into someone else's situation. It’s no longer about how they feel but about how we think they feel. Whether we realize we're doing it or not, it becomes our way of glossing over a disagreeable moment and get straight to fixing. The path to resolution, however, is not fixing. It's listening. It's sitting in the uncomfortable and recognizing it.
In those moments, let's instead use a skill I learned from Chris Voss's Master Class. As a former FBI negotiator, business negotiator, and author of Never Split the Difference, Voss has a lot to contribute on the topic of difficult conversations. In these situations he tells us to never say the phrase what I hear you're saying is… but instead to use labels.
The skill of labeling emotions is something he admits he previously thought of as not that important. Like most people in the business world today, it is one of those skills that is categorized as soft. It's something extra, that comes second to the real skills. I personally think that this is a big mistake that companies make, and so I was excited to learn that after years of labeling Voss now feels the same way:
“Labels might be the most important skill. The most innocuous skill. And the most MacGyver skill. The most useful tool with the most different applications to unwind and solve some of the trickiest problems. Don’t be fooled by their simplicity."
If that was enough to convince you to spend a few moments learning how to label, then take a look at the steps below. Hopefully, the next time you find yourself in a conversation or meeting where you feel the tension, you'll be prepared with this simple yet powerful tool.
Step 1 - Be Aware
The first step to navigating difficult emotions is being aware they are there. When we are rushed, we may not give someone else enough time to process or contribute to a conversation. If you don't let someone speak, you'll never hear the tension in their voice. When you do hear it, make sure you listen. We are good at sensing when something is off but humans typically do not like confrontation and so naturally we are tempted to avoid those senses. Don't. If your gut tells you something is wrong, acknowledge it.
Step 2 - Label It
Once your Spidey senses start tingling, call it out. Use some form of It seems like or It sounds like Or It looks like, and then fill in the blank:
I might be way off base, but it seems like you’re upset.
Isabel thank you so much for your opinion. Mark it looks like you disagree.
It sounds like you’re angry about this.
By labeling an emotion, Voss says, it will immediately reduce the negative impact. Typically, our reaction when someone is getting upset is to say I don’t want you to be upset. But we jump right to the solution before we give them time to acknowledge their reaction. Don’t fix it. Label it.
When we are under stress, the part of the brain that processes emotions (the amygdala) gets a boost of activity while the part that regulates thoughtful behavior (the prefrontal cortex) is weakened. It is why it is more difficult for us to make good decisions or have a productive conversation when we are upset. When someone says something like you seem upset it immediately triggers contemplation and calms the amygdala. Just the act of thinking about why you are upset deactivates it.*
Step 3: Shut Up
If you want the label to be able to do its thing, you need to label it and then stop talking. Let the person sit with it. It's the act of thinking about it, am I upset?, that allows the brain activity to shift. So say it, then shut it.
Step 4: Label Again (as needed)
If you label and there’s silence, it doesn’t mean it didn’t work. You just need more. After you have waited at least 10 seconds, try following with sounds like there’s more there than meets the eye or sounds like there’s more to this or sounds like there are more feelings I haven’t touched on yet.
Hopefully, you have entered this conversation with an open mind and a learning mindset. Most likely the other person is upset because there is baggage they are carrying that you don’t know about. By labeling, waiting, and labeling again, you are giving them a safe space to open up about it. If they do choose to open up, be ready to respect the trust you have just gained by really listening.
Step 5: Mirror (as needed)
Mirroring is another skill I learned from Voss that goes hand in hand with labeling. It is a way of learning more about someone by repeating the last few words they said. In practice, I find it kind of funny to just repeat the last three words, but I do find it helpful to focus on the end of the last sentence or the part of the sentence where it seems like there may be more to the story. Usually, there’s more to what someone wants to say but they are hesitant. When we mirror, we give the other person an opportunity to keep going.
You seem frustrated.
No, I’m fine. It’s just that this isn’t the first time we’ve had this situation at our company.
It’s not the first time?
No, last year X happened and I don’t think leadership handled it well. It was a mess.
It was a mess?
Yeah, several people ended up leaving.
They left?
Etc…
The goal here is to pull out more information. Not only will they feel heard by giving the opportunity to share, but the more information you have the more you can empathize with someone’s situation. When we know what someone is going through, when we have the baggage and understand why they are really upset, we can help work toward a resolution. More often than not though, the tension will already be lifted. By labeling, listening, and letting someone think through how they feel, you have already given them all the resolution they need.
References:
How to Calm our Negative Emotions - The Neuroscience School: If you're interested in the science behind labeling, this is one article that includes citations for one of the studies Voss mentioned.
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