How to Ask for Feedback
Get in the Habit Series | Part 4
With a big smile on my face, I waited impatiently for him to look. The past hour I had spent researching and designing some table displays for upcoming book fairs and events I would be participating in. I was excited and wanted the closest person to me to share in that excitement, but I made the mistake many people make—I asked for feedback.
What do you think? I said, waiting for the response of wow! Cool! or some other version of looks great! Instead, I received a solid 15 seconds of silence while he stared and assessed. Finally, he commented on one of the colors and said the blue looked out of place.
My heart sank.
Have you ever had that feeling? Like someone just burst your bubble and now all the excitement and passion you just held is deflated on the floor? Often when we encounter that deflated heart feeling it is because someone failed to meet our expectations; we had a certain reaction pictured in our heads and they didn't deliver. Though there may be some people in our lives who never give us the reaction we hope for, there are also some who just need us to set the stage in order for them to do so.
If I hadn't just spent the week researching and writing about emotional intelligence, I probably would have gotten upset and picked a fight. Instead, I thought about my reaction. Why did his response impact me so much? His feedback was valid—the blue did look out of place. In fact, I had questioned it myself when I was customizing the design. I didn't even know if I fully liked the design, which is why I was asking for input. The problem, I didn't realize until later, was that in that moment, I wasn't ready for input, I just wanted him to be a part of it. I wanted someone to share in my excitement, but instead of asking for that, I wrongly asked for an opinion I didn't want or need in the moment.
This story was originally written as a personal growth post in one of my Sunday Starters because it was a moment between my husband and I, that classic I just wanted him to listen, but he fixed it moment. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized how I often set myself up for the same failure in my professional world. How many times had I asked colleagues for feedback in the same way? How many times had I spent hours working on something, just wanting someone to share in my excitement, but instead I opened a can of worms filled with feedback I wasn't ready to receive?
In the Forbes article, Why Asking For Feedback Can Be a Key to Success, Holly Corbett comments that "there is a lot of emphasis on giving feedback in the workplace, but the most underrated skill may be actually receiving it." It is easy to connect humility and receiving feedback with a higher emotional intelligence, but it is not clear as to how to get there. In the past I have just tried to force myself to be patient and humble, and not care when someone tears apart something that I've worked very hard on. But we can’t will ourselves to receive feedback well, we instead must take steps to make the act of receiving feedback easier. In Corbett's article she highlights the value of asking for specific feedback, which I think is the first steppingstone to growing our emotional intelligence in this area.
Get in the Habit of Asking for Specific Feedback
We all wish other people would give feedback in a way that makes it easier to receive—giving it at the right time, in the right way, from the right person—but that is not always in our control. By getting in the habit of asking for specific feedback, we are taking back the reins and bringing our professional growth into our hands. By stopping and formulating a specific question around the feedback you want to receive, it does three important things:
Asking for Specific Feedback Helps You Recognize When You Aren't Ready to Receive it
The next time you ask for feedback with a catch-all question like How am I doing? stop and first ask yourself - am I ready for this? Do I want their judgement? Or do I just want them to metaphorically hold my hands and jump up and down with me? By forcing yourself to switch your generic question for something specific, it gives you the time to emotionally prepare to receive it. If you realize you're not ready, maybe switch your what do you think? to something like can I show you something? I'm really excited about it and just want to share it with you. Then maybe later when you're ready, follow with a specific feedback request like I wasn't sure about the color, do you think it is still on brand?
Asking for Specific Feedback Makes It Easier for Others to Give it
Imagine you just gave a presentation that you worked really hard on. You end the virtual meeting and ask your colleague or manager to debrief. How did I do? Now imagine what's going through your colleague's head. You are asking them for input and so they will feel obligated to give it. They want to provide value and so they may look for something to critique. Or they may not have been paying attention and so now they are a deer in headlights and will probably just say something generic like you did great! In this situation, neither party is set up for success. If they give the critique needed in the moment, it may leave you feeling unappreciated and disappointed - even if the feedback is valid! If they don't give feedback at all it may leave you, again, feeling unappreciated and disappointed. Instead, imagine you ask your colleague before the meeting - hey, I've been told that I talk too fast in presentations and so I'm really working on slowing down my pace. Can you keep an eye on it during the meeting and let me know after how I did? Now, not only have you prepared them (and yourself) for the feedback, but it is in a specific area of focus which makes it much easier to give it.
Asking for Specific Feedback Makes It Actionable
When we know we are expected to give feedback, and we know the specific area that we are assessing, it narrows down the scope, making it much easier to provide feedback that is actionable. In the previous scenario, the colleague providing feedback can look at areas of the meeting where maybe the pace picked up a little too much. You were great in the introduction, but once you started sharing the case study you started to talk a lot faster. I think you were just excited which shows and is great! I don't want you to lose that, but maybe try working on taking pauses between the ideas. Even if you talk fast, the pauses will help the audience have more time to process what you're saying.
Practice Makes Perfect
There will come a day when the wrong person gives you feedback in the wrong way, at the wrong time. In those moments, feedback is not easy to receive and those that are able to take it gracefully do so because it is not their first time; through years of experience and receiving feedback they were able to slowly expand their EQ. Now we can wait for the years of practice, or we can speed it up by asking for it. Rather than willing yourself to get better in difficult situations, create some easier ones that will give you the hours you need. Developing the habit of asking for specific feedback will create a safe environment to help you hone the skill of receiving it; you never want your first at bat to be in the World Series, so take some practice swings whenever you can.