The Day I Decided to Quit
How to Make Difficult Conversations a Little Less Difficult | Part 3
A few years ago, right before I quit my job, I had a series of difficult conversations with the person I reported to. I was so angry because I had years of built up frustration. So many little things that I had chosen not to address because our organization had a culture to assume the best and give the benefit of the doubt. Which is great, and I wholeheartedly support it, but sometimes we swing too far in that direction and avoid having much needed, healthy confrontations. Looking back on the situation years later, I'm still glad I chose to leave. Fortunately, for my personal and professional growth, I did not leave the day I wanted to.
There was one moment, sitting in my manager's office, when I realized things were not going to change. I thought I was going there to receive an apology. You see that week I was in a team meeting when he turned to me and asked why I had not done X. I was completely confused, because months prior I explained why I didn't think we should do X. X was something I felt passionate about. My experience in my role told me that we shouldn't do X and the level of my position should have given me the authority to make that decision.
X wasn't just one question in a meeting. The fact that it was being brought up again made it something that I had assumed the best about for two years. So that question, was the last straw. I was getting upset. I couldn't believe I was being asked to do this. I asked if we could talk about this privately after the meeting. He said no. He pushed for an answer. I knew I was going to start crying, so I walked out.
In my defense, that week I had just finished the busiest month of my year. I had worked 100 hours the week before, and 80+ the few weeks prior. Not only was I physically and mentally exhausted, but I was also emotionally spent from my brother's sudden death a few months earlier. And oh yeah, I also moved that week. So not exactly the recipe to help me keep my calm.
In his defense, there was a lot more to my situation that had nothing to do with him or the job or moving. My brother's death made me realize that life is short, and I still had so many things that I wanted to accomplish that I couldn't do working there. I learned so much from the six years I spent in that position, and I am so grateful for it. But there was already something in me that knew it was time to go.
Which is why I'm glad that perfect storm of a situation made me lose it because it made me finally address something that I had been avoiding. It finally forced me to have the difficult conversation that led to my leaving. I honestly don't remember what happened the next few days after I walked out of that meeting, but somewhere in there I had found an email from several months before. In the email, he had asked me about X and I explained all my reasoning. In his response, he told me he understood why I thought we shouldn't do X. He even said it was a wise decision. So you can imagine, after reminding him of that email, why I went into that meeting expecting an apology. An apology I never got.
So I'm sitting there, realizing that not only am I not getting an apology, but I'm also getting spoken to about my emotional reaction. There was no acknowledgement that he had done anything wrong. It was me who misunderstood what he meant in the email. That part, right there, is the moment I wanted to quit. It is also the moment, I'm so glad I didn't. I did decide to quit that day. It was time to go. But I didn't resign right away, which meant over the next few months I was able to work through those differences with my manager. I was able to see the places where he was right and I was wrong, and the places where our opinions were just different. I now look back and can see how I completely failed at having that first difficult conversation, but what I learned through failing has helped every conversation since. I experienced a lot of growth and it was all because my husband handed me a book.
Considering the week I was having, to this day I have no idea how he managed to give me this book without me just reading the title, throwing it back at him and shouting some version of stop trying to fix it! It is called Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. I reluctantly read through the first chapter and of course I disagreed with the authors right away. They said something like Jack did this and Michael did this and neither Jack nor Michael are correct. My response: What? Michael's terrible. Of course Jack is correct. It's 100% Michael's fault. When I saw myself having this reaction, I am grateful that I was able to laugh at myself. I realized that I had a long way to go when it came to having healthy confrontations.
These are some of the things I learned from that book, that situation, other books, and many moments since. Honestly, if you find yourself unable to engage in conflict or unable to keep your cool during it, I highly recommend checking out the further reading list. There is so much good knowledge that I can't cover in one article, but if you don't have the time for a full book, this highlight reel is a great place to start. There are also links to a few other articles where I dive deeper into specific topics and the science behind them. These things have helped me have better conversations with my colleagues, my managers, and my family. I hope they help you grow as much as they are helping me.
Level Set: What is a difficult conversation?
A difficult conversation is literally any conversation where conflict is likely to occur. Most that take place usually hit three questions: what happened, what am I feeling, and who am I? One of the reasons these conversations become difficult is because we enter with the idea that we are just going to answer the what happened question. Then, when we are in the thick of it, everything goes awry because we didn't realize that the real conflict lies with our feelings and identity.
Shift to a learning conversation
Typically, we enter these confrontations with a mission of proving that we were right. As you read from my story, that is exactly how I entered the office that day. I had the email. I had the proof. He was wrong. I was right. If we enter conversations like this, they are doomed to fail from the start because we are expecting to be able to come to a mutual agreement on what happened. What I learned from Stone, Patton and Heen, is that this most likely isn't possible and not what the conversation should be about: "Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values… They are not about what is true, they are about what is important."
We all have conflicting opinions and ways we view the world, which will affect how we interpret a situation. The sooner we can recognize this, the sooner we can make the shift from proving I'm right to learning. The next time you go to have a difficult conversation with someone, check your motives. There is always more to the story so instead of trying to be right, try to be curious and learn as much as you can.
Ask yourself, what is this really about?
In my story, I was upset about X. But I was also upset about what X said about me and how I felt about it. I was digging my heels in because if I said yes, then that meant that my job was different than it used to be. If my job was different, then that meant that I was no longer an autonomous Director but something closer to what felt like a glorified assistant. That was the thing I really cared about. Not X. If I had realized that at the time, then maybe the conversation would have gone differently. My feelings and how a situation impacts how I view myself are things that can be resolved through conversation; coming to an exact agreement about what happened might not.
Think about how you will affirm the other person
Now that we know that the real question at stake is about someone's identity, we can take steps to affirm that identity before the conversation begins. This is a concept that is deeply rooted in change management strategy and is backed by several neurological studies. The healthy habit you want to start is taking a few minutes to remind yourself of the things that really matter to you. Or, in the event the conversation will be difficult for someone else, think about what they care about and acknowledge it before the conflict. By doing this, it will lessen the impact, decrease the chances of the person feeling attacked, and increase their ability to have a real discussion. For more details and sources, check out my article Affirmation.
Call out when someone is upset
The day I decided to quit was so long ago now, that I cannot recall the specifics of the words that were said. Yet when I think about it the anger starts to rise up in me like it was yesterday. Our emotions are powerful and for better or worse they will impact how we react in a conversation. If you have done the three previous steps, then you have set yourself up for the best possible outcome. However, you may still get to a point where you can tell the other person is responding emotionally. This is not a bad thing. In those moments our tendency will be to say something like don't get upset. But there's probably a very good reason for their reaction and if you keep that in mind, then you'll be able to get to the root of why they are responding as such.
The best way to do this doesn't require knowing the perfect thing to say or a degree in Psychology, you just need to acknowledge it. Call it out: you seem frustrated. That simple act of recognizing it and letting the person ask themselves Am I frustrated? will deactivate the part of the brain that put up their defenses. If you don’t name it, their judgement will remain clouded and you're not giving them a fair chance to talk it out. For more details and sources, check out my article Stop Saying, 'So What I Hear You're Saying Is."
Further Reading / Sources:
Check out other related posts
